It has been a while since I was able to be happy. It has been a while since I was confident in my abilities. It has been a while since I was able to go through a whole day without a crushing load of loss, grief and guilt invading my serenity. It has been a while since I could take joy in the simple things like cooking a good meal, spending time with loved ones and accomplishing my work goals. It has been a while since I was comfortable being alone. It has been a while since I have been happy to be me.
After losing Rakhi and almost losing my mother, I felt like I had gone through enough and that I could look to a happy future. Well, I am still looking to a happy future - just not the one I had envisioned for myself before my relationship ended. While I will always love him for the sweet, loyal and amazing man that he is, he and I could not make it work. On top of everything else, it was almost the straw that broke the camel's back.
While I was dealing with the break up, my mom feel very ill again. It was almost too much to handle, but I knew that if I broke, that my mom would not get the care that she needed to beat the pneumonia. Even with lots of tender loving care, it took her several months to recover. During those months, I looked deep inside myself and realized that I had done the right thing in breaking off my relationship because we had been making one another miserable as we were.
It had been a while since I had traveled, particularly to Paris. I was able to go this past week. Being in Paris definitely helped to put an end to the pain and helped me to be serene, to be open to love, to be proud of myself, to be present and happy.
I feel happy once again on my own, in my accomplishments and in my own skin.
It has been a while.
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