It has been a while.

It has been a while since I was able to be happy. It has been a while since I was confident in my abilities. It has been a while since I was able to go through a whole day without a crushing load of loss, grief and guilt invading my serenity. It has been a while since I could take joy in the simple things like cooking a good meal, spending time with loved ones and accomplishing my work goals. It has been a while since I was comfortable being alone. It has been a while since I have been happy to be me.

After losing Rakhi and almost losing my mother, I felt like I had gone through enough and that I could look to a happy future. Well, I am still looking to a happy future - just not the one I had envisioned for myself before my relationship ended. While I will always love him for the sweet, loyal and amazing man that he is, he and I could not make it work. On top of everything else, it was almost the straw that broke the camel's back.

While I was dealing with the break up, my mom feel very ill again. It was almost too much to handle, but I knew that if I broke, that my mom would not get the care that she needed to beat the pneumonia. Even with lots of tender loving care, it took her several months to recover. During those months, I looked deep inside myself and realized that I had done the right thing in breaking off my relationship because we had been making one another miserable as we were.

It had been a while since I had traveled, particularly to Paris. I was able to go this past week. Being in Paris definitely helped to put an end to the pain and helped me to be serene, to be open to love, to be proud of myself, to be present and happy.

I feel happy once again on my own, in my accomplishments and in my own skin.

It has been a while.

I find that having made the decision to continue practicing law, it has become a lot easier to do the "things that need to be done." I have a sense of peace in having decided where I am headed and how, in broad strokes, I will get there. 

In dedicating my continuing practice to my sister, I am finding a way to use the grief I feel everyday. This constant connection between what I accomplish at work, and her spirit encouraging me to achieve more, is a constructive way to work through the grief. 

Everyday is like a minefield of memories. I was cleaning out the conference room at work and came across a box of pictures that she had kept here. Along with her friends' pictures and some arty ones, was a picture of me laughing and joyous. I realized that she kept that particular photo because that was how she always wanted see me - laughing and joyful.  

Unfortunately, the way to that land of happiness lies through the morass of grief that I struggle with every day. I am trudging along, waiting for the dawn. Victor Hugo said it best in his poem Demain dès l'aube. 

I love you kiddo. Good night. 

Today I want to talk about my sister. She was an amazing person, the best sister and awesome daughter. Add to the list that she was my best friend, confidant, paralegal and partner in highjinks, you begin to get an idea of the huge part she played in my life for 36 years. She was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer 1 day after her 33rd birthday. From that day forward, the focus of my life was to try to save her. Barring that, I wanted to make her comfortable and to make sure that she knew how much I loved her. I know that she knew the end was near, but she never lost her fight and spirit. The cancer was eating away at the earthly shell she inhabited, but she never let it near her soul. Her phenomenal generosity and nobility of spirit lives on in the non-profit organization that she created irefuse2lose.org. By using her experience as a catalyst to create a way to help other cancer patients, she left a lasting legacy. It is up to me and our family and friends to ensure that her light continues to burn brightly. As the days go by, and it is harder and harder to pretend that she is just on vacation someplace without a phone, the reality that I will never get to hug her in this lifetime sinks in. Every cliche in the book applies, but there is no way to adequately describe the searing pain, the inability to breathe, the unstoppable tears and the feeling of emptiness. 

While I have unending grief, I do not have regrets. I know that I did whatever was humanly possible to save, care for and protect her during her fight. She knew that she was loved and that I would never leave her. 

I was looking at old photos and it seems that I was always holding onto her, hugging her tightly, afraid to lose her. As a result of that I decided that I would not give up the practice of law; that I would continue the business that she loved while also growing her non-profit. 

The lives of everyone who knew her were immeasurable enriched by having her in them. My life would not have the same meaning had I not been privileged to share a large part of it with her. 

I love you kiddo. Good night. 

 Today's apple is one from my boyfriend. He has been amazing as a support and pillar during a really difficult period in my life. Today, the roses he gave me yesterday really started to bloom. Even though we were supposed to go out for dinner and dancing, he was totally up for staying home and eating in - watching the roses bloom. Spending time alone with him was my happiness for the day.

Yesterday's apple was my sister's happiness in having her boyfriend visit her in NYC. Normally, she doesn't want visitor's, but he made Valentine's day special for her when he visited her. It really was his time and effort that made her day - not the heart-shaped chocolate that he bought her. It made me realize even more that most important people in my life just want caring and attention, not things.

Today's unexpected happiness was meeting up with two of my best friends this morning. I hadn't seen them for a while and it was really good to sit and chat. The funny thing was that this was in the basement of the Federal Courthouse in Hartford. :-)

Today's happiness is staying home and doing absolutely nothing but watching cooking shows while the wind blows like crazy outside.