I find that having made the decision to continue practicing law, it has become a lot easier to do the "things that need to be done." I have a sense of peace in having decided where I am headed and how, in broad strokes, I will get there. 

In dedicating my continuing practice to my sister, I am finding a way to use the grief I feel everyday. This constant connection between what I accomplish at work, and her spirit encouraging me to achieve more, is a constructive way to work through the grief. 

Everyday is like a minefield of memories. I was cleaning out the conference room at work and came across a box of pictures that she had kept here. Along with her friends' pictures and some arty ones, was a picture of me laughing and joyous. I realized that she kept that particular photo because that was how she always wanted see me - laughing and joyful.  

Unfortunately, the way to that land of happiness lies through the morass of grief that I struggle with every day. I am trudging along, waiting for the dawn. Victor Hugo said it best in his poem Demain dès l'aube. 

I love you kiddo. Good night. 

Today I want to talk about my sister. She was an amazing person, the best sister and awesome daughter. Add to the list that she was my best friend, confidant, paralegal and partner in highjinks, you begin to get an idea of the huge part she played in my life for 36 years. She was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer 1 day after her 33rd birthday. From that day forward, the focus of my life was to try to save her. Barring that, I wanted to make her comfortable and to make sure that she knew how much I loved her. I know that she knew the end was near, but she never lost her fight and spirit. The cancer was eating away at the earthly shell she inhabited, but she never let it near her soul. Her phenomenal generosity and nobility of spirit lives on in the non-profit organization that she created irefuse2lose.org. By using her experience as a catalyst to create a way to help other cancer patients, she left a lasting legacy. It is up to me and our family and friends to ensure that her light continues to burn brightly. As the days go by, and it is harder and harder to pretend that she is just on vacation someplace without a phone, the reality that I will never get to hug her in this lifetime sinks in. Every cliche in the book applies, but there is no way to adequately describe the searing pain, the inability to breathe, the unstoppable tears and the feeling of emptiness. 

While I have unending grief, I do not have regrets. I know that I did whatever was humanly possible to save, care for and protect her during her fight. She knew that she was loved and that I would never leave her. 

I was looking at old photos and it seems that I was always holding onto her, hugging her tightly, afraid to lose her. As a result of that I decided that I would not give up the practice of law; that I would continue the business that she loved while also growing her non-profit. 

The lives of everyone who knew her were immeasurable enriched by having her in them. My life would not have the same meaning had I not been privileged to share a large part of it with her. 

I love you kiddo. Good night.